Essex will use his new-found intelligence to make the world a reemer place.
Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.
The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.
“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”
“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
Will we cope without them? Yes.
ITV has confirmed that it will stop broadcasting after tens of thousands of people signed an online petition calling for it to do so on the grounds that its output is damaging the nation’s IQ. Continue reading
Crank or wise man?
Colonel Thomas Hallet, formerly of the Dunstable Light Infantry has served his country with distinction both in the UK and across the world seeing service in Stockholm, Geneva, and the Turks and Caicos Islands. Now he faces another battle and that is to convince the medical establishment that an intolerance to celebrity culture is a genuine illness.
‘It started with Britney Spears,’ he told the Evening Harold. ‘Some years ago she broke up with her husband who was once her backing dancer and is known as K-Fed. And I know that. That is knowledge in my head that I’ll carry until my dying day. It is knowledge that I categorically did not seek out and it’s making me ill.’ Continue reading