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Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.
“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”
With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.
Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
The row over the appointment of Benito Mussolini as manager of Harold Thursday continued today, with the Harold Minors’ Association threatening to remove several pieces of graffiti from the club’s ground in protest at the long-dead fascist being given the job.
“We have proudly supported Harold Thursday for a number of years but feel that some things are more important than football. If we do not get a full explanation from the club we will be asking for the return of a number of pieces of graffiti, including the famous ‘Gaz M is a nob’ piece on the rear wall of the changing rooms.” said 15 year-old Dave Jumper, general secretary of the Harold Minors’ Association.