“You’re right dear; the turkey does look a bit dry.”
Balloon sales at John Lewis have gone through the roof, thanks to an advertising campaign to send unwanted old people to the moon.
With the moon now reachable using just helium and ribbons, nice middle-class families are hoping for a relatively relative-free Christmas.
“I was dreading another year of having to ignore rude comments about my cooking”, said Pippa Delaney. “But with nan approximately 385,000 kilometres away in a prograde elliptical orbit, we should be able to stand for the Queen’s speech in silence this year, without anyone calling her a slut.”
There has been chaos on the High Street following a serious collision involving three people on the northbound pavement. The accident left the pavement closed for 3 hours.
Police were called to the collision at around 9.43am outside the charity shop. Eyewitnesses say it was caused by local resident, 86-year-old Elsie Duggan, stopping suddenly for no apparent reason.
Although we understand there are no fatalities, two have been taken to hospital for what are described as “minor injuries” and another was treated at the scene by a passing first aider.