“Not how I remember the wheat fields”
As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.
“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”
Cassidy also somehow managed to avoid spontaneous human combustion.
A local man who has avoided any life-threatening misfortune has been described as ‘lucky’ during a police press conference.
23 year-old Adam Cassidy spends much of his time indoors looking at a computer, which PC Flegg thinks may have contributed to his ‘amazing survival’.
“His human spirit is indomitable, nothing that the fates throw at him seem to faze him at all”, said Flegg. “Although to be fair, they haven’t really thrown all that much.”
So far this year, the plucky youngster has avoided dying from a peanut allergy, having his legs broken by swans and having his face eaten by a highly localised outbreak of the Ebola virus.