Thinking of hitting the Highlands this summer?
Keep the kids entertained on those long, boring holidays with a copy of the i-Spy Bites and Stings of Scotland!
Educational and cheap, it’s the ideal sop to offspring who would rather be at home playing computer games.
Here’s a few to look out for, can you find them on your legs?
Mosquito: Long-legged, flying blood-suckers and transmitters of Malaria, mosquitoes are the plague of many a woodland stroll.
Bites can cause a mild irritation, but in some people, they can lead to rage and obsessively turning the bed-side lights on and off, in a desperate attempt to identify the source of the buzzing.
All mosquitoes are of English origin. Best killed with at least three cans of fly spray, a shoe and a stapler to be sure.
Midges: (pronounced: ‘Mid-gees’) Tiny little biting insects who target visitors to the Scottish Highlands and locals alike, these indiscriminate little swines leave bites so big they could have come from a Pterodactyl.
Midges are Scottish, but Entomologists believe they first moved north with King Edward Longshanks.
Best killed by burning all your belongings and heading for home on the train.
Vampire Bats: Not indigenous to Scotland, but these little mammalian suckers are not as evil as Hollywood has portrayed. They’re actually quite cute, if you can ignore the razor sharp incisors and the inevitable mob weilding pitchforks and torches.
All vampire bats are of English origin, and are thought to have moved into Scotland around about the time that oil was found in the North Sea.
Best killed by angry villagers or a floppy haired tosser who can’t act.
Ants: While ants in Scotland are fairly benign, falling head first into an ant hill is not advised. Ants can nip a bit, and are capable of working together to march off with your picnic.
Scottish ants are not the traditional black colour, but instead pale blue and orange, to conceal them on Irn Bru cans.
Best killed with boiling water, although you could try packing an aardvark.
Luis Suarez: A bite from a Luis Suarez is so far unconfirmed north of the border, but reports of attacks in several continents have led experts to suggest that it is only a matter of time. Bites can result in penalties, free kicks and septicemia.
It is believed that a free-roaming Suarez was spotted in England in the early part of the year.
Best treated by immediately selling it abroad.