Brendan Rodgers is said to be ‘furious’ after the cat that he got to replace his dog in the summer insisted on acting like a cat.
The Liverpool manager had a great time last year with his dog, Luis, who would happily chase a ball around for up to an hour and a half at a time and run around all over the place. When Luis moved on to a new home Rodgers bizarrely decided to get a cat, called Mario, and attempt to train him to act like a dog. He has since been hugely disappointed by Mario’s tendency to laze around all day and occasionally lick his own arse. Continue reading
After a disappointing World Cup, lovers of football violence finally have something to cheer about as it emerged that a fan bit another fan’s ear off during the England – Uruguay match.
“It’s really pleasing we’ve shown the world England can still mix with the best when it comes to mindless thuggery” said Millwall fan Gavin Mitchell. “We invented football violence and this incident shows it is still part of our DNA.”
“I mean take that Suarez bite – it was more of a kiss if you ask me. And that Italian was annoying him by, um, being Italian so biting him really was nothing special – even a tennis fan would do it.”
QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green
The English Football Association and English Premier League have bowed to pressure from clubs and introduced a January transplant window. The move will help both smaller clubs who struggle to afford a whole player in today’s overheated market, and the marquee clubs who want to improve a star player’s weak spot.
The first few days of the new transplant window has seen numerous deals.
As expected, Premier League aspirants Queens Park Rangers have gone to the market for a safe pair of hands for Robert Green, and Peter Schmeichel’s large mitts have been secured for a 7 figure sum. Robert Green welcomed the news of the record transplant saying: “It won’t change me one bit, well apart from the fact that I’ll now be able to catch the ball of course.”
Ate his Liverpool with a nice Chianti
Players and management of local football club Harold Thursday have reacted with anger and astonishment at the Trojan Prophylactic League’s decision to ban star striker Luis Nutter for ten games following the recent cannibalism incident in which the entire first team from visiting club Eccles were roasted over a spit and eaten during a goalmouth scramble.
Goalkeeper Willie Sprinkler spoke to journalists of his belief that Nutter, 26, had been singled out largely due to his birthplace: “Yes, he comes from Liverpool,” he conceded, “But even so, I consider myself a friend of Luis. League bosses in Felching are treating him different because he is a ‘Scouse’, and because he had the one previous incident where he went mental apeshit crazy and hungrily devoured a coach load of orphans.”
“He knows perfectly well that what he did was wrong, but a 10-game ban seems out of proportion. I think they’ve got it in for Luis a little bit, possibly because they too are orphans. It was fifty-fifty in the Eccles penalty area, ball to hand, could have gone either way, and on the spur of the moment our lad has reacted – split second decision – and eaten eleven men’s livers with a nice Chianti. It happens out in the park every day.”