He has told the BBC that he regrets getting caught cheating but says the public should forgive him and understand that it was never his wish to be found out. Continue reading
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Lance Armstrong: “The public should forgive me for getting caught, I’d try not be found out next time”
In an attempt to continue on the road to redemption, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has vowed to testify with ‘100% transparency and honesty’ to any doping inquiry. And to ensure he is on top evidence giving form, he will also be high as a kite.
“I want to make sure that I give these inquiries my best performance for the good of the sport” Armstrong told reporters. “To make sure I give them 100%, I have already started a programme of blood doping. It’s only fair.”
Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.
“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.
“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”
The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.
Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.
“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.
“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”
The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”
In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.
Tour de France Director, Christian Prudhomme, said the basic format of the event would remain the same with “riders” completing each stage in a bus and then walking down a finishing chute where they would be tested for testosterone, EPO, and human growth hormone. The leading pharmacologist at the end of each stage would hold the prestigious “yellow syringe”.
Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.
The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.