Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.
Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.
Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.
A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.
No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.
A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.
Babulal Gaur: we couldn’t decide whether to call him a prat or a dingus so we’ve settled on pringus
Babulal Gaur, minister for law and order in Madhya Pradesh, has clarified his comments that rape is a “social crime’ that is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong”.
“It wasn’t the world wide condemnation or the sudden realisation that I was talking out of my bottom that has made me speak to the media,” Gaur told a hastily arranged press conference, “but the horrifying thought that tourists might not want to come to India due to a fear of violence. Or perhaps that an elected official can spout views on women that even Bluebeard might think were misogynistic and not be forced to resign might put more thoughtful tourists off visiting.”
“Let me assure Westerners that while I do think rape is sometimes right and sometimes wrong in the case of anyone laying a finger on any of you and your lovely, lovely money it is always wrong,” Gaur stated emphatically. “You’ll be safe in India, our own wives and daughters not so much, but hey, hardly any of them can match your spending power.”
“So come to India, who needs equality when you’ve got lots of photogenic elephants?”