Spolier alert: Hagrid is Keyser Söze and Ron can see dead people
Tremendous arsehole, Tim Trotman, has said that he is delighted to have been among the first people to see the new Harry Potter play and then to post the whole plot and mobile phone footage of it all over social media.
“Harry Potter’s magic,” he said. “The rush of knowing you’re seeing something new that would delight any child and then ruining it for as many as possible is indescribable. This is how sociopathic Dickens fans who could read fast must’ve felt as they ran through the streets yelling ‘Little Nell’s dead!'”
“They say that Harry Potter’s really for kids and that J.K Rowling’s just in it for the money however I’m forty-five and won’t make a penny off this and I’m having the time of my life.”
He who must not be President
Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.
“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”
“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”
“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”