This time I’ve cracked it!
Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.
“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”
“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”
A relieved Harrison Ford is thanking his lucky stars that a plane crash on a golf course left him too injured to play.
“Oh God, that was a close one … I could have been seriously bored out there. You take life for granted and then suddenly you are seconds away from playing golf. You wouldn’t believe the relief I felt when my femur snapped” said Ford.
“Where’s my bloody ball?”
Barack Obama’s surprise visit to Stonehenge was because he thought it was a golf course, according to reports from those present at the ancient stone circle.
“He strode out of the helicopter and asked where the first tee was” said English Heritage’s Stonehenge manager Kate Davies. “I thought he wanted a cuppa so I pointed him in the direction of the visitor centre.”
“Next thing I heard a loud bang and Obama muttering ‘bloody stones’.”
The 23rd annual Harold Masters Pitch & Putt golf tournament reached a thrilling climax earlier today with a threat of sudden death as competitors’ mothers squared up to each other.
The Harold Masters, played over nine holes on the council course between the rec and the crem, was originally played by the men of the village but had to stop when it became over-competitive. Players constantly fought to outdo each other with the worst outfit, and eventually the increasingly-loud plaid trousers, garish Pringle sweaters, two-tone shoes and leather gloves began to frighten the horses in a nearby field.