Pussy webcam ‘a bit of a disappointment’
GCHQ was inundated with ‘freedom of information’ applications from perverts yesterday, following revelations that it stole millions of intimate webcam images.
However, GCHQ dismissed claims that it’s engaged in invasion of privacy and thievery.
“What the Guardian reader types don’t realise” said a spokesperson “is that it is only our constant benign vigilance that protects them from constant malign invasion of privacy and thievery. I’m sure that will now be reflected in journalists’ reports.” adding “We know where they live, the colour of their bedroom wallpaper, and the size and shape of their tattoos.”
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David Miranda – the partner of Glen Greenwald, the Guardian journalist who released documents about privacy from Edward Snowden – has begun legal action to stop anti-terrorist police from viewing and subsequently sharing his embarrassing holiday photos.
“They can look at all the documents on my laptop, and my browsing history on my i Pad, but there is no way they are looking at the holiday snaps on my camera,” Mr Miranda told us.
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Putin testing Kim Jong-il: it felt so wrong, it felt so right
NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.
“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.” Continue reading
He won’t last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time
In a surprise move last night the 1st Battalion 6th Marines launched a full scale assault on Snowdonia involving the setting up of a beachhead on the coast roughly three miles south of Llandwrog for the landing of additional troops.
Official sources were initially alerted when locals reported seeing bright lights in the sky. These were quickly followed by more reports of shouting and shots being fired. Helen Brice, 54, who had been out walking her dog told us. “It was all very exciting. One minute it was just me and Bingo the next I was surrounded by all these soldiers. They were shouting at me and demanding to know where the traitor was. It was scary but one of them sounded just like Morgan Freeman so I quickly calmed down due to his incredibly soothing voice.” Continue reading