The new cabin crew really doesn’t care
Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has vowed to make his airline even more unpleasant in order to reclaim its place at the bottom of the league table for customer service.
“Apparently nPower and Scottish Power are now both slightly more heinous than we are,” a disappointed O’Leary said. “I’m not having that. Ryanair prides itself on providing the most kak experience there is.” Continue reading
Perhaps we got the wrong address.
A ‘missing persons’ alert has been issued after it was revealed that no-one had heard from Vodafone customer services for over a month.
Confused, vulnerable and ostensibly deaf, Vodafone customer services is thought to be ‘at considerable risk’ of making anyone they may meet ‘frustrated, desperate and dangerously angry’.
According to investigating officer PC Flegg, ‘it’s not hard to imagine even Gandhi flipping out and stoving their head in with his sandal. We think they may have an extreme personality disorder, which compels them to ignore other people for as long as the money rolls in.’
The alarm was first raised when neighbours noticed there was a lot of milk bottles left on the step, and most of them had rolled-up notes stuck in the top.
‘I read a few’, revealed Flegg. ‘They mostly said things like ‘twats’, ‘bell-ends’ and ‘grrrr’. It’s almost as if people are trying to communicate without being able to resort to their phones.’
Trying very hard not to spit right in your face
Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary has said that staff will be instructed to only spit in the faces of customers who really deserve it, amid concerns that poor customer service is hitting sales.
Europe’s biggest budget airline warned earlier this month that profits may miss forecasts, and O’Leary is worried that regularly abusing customers may be contributing to their problems. Continue reading