‘If it was cruel, they wouldn’t let people use caravans.’
London media executives who spend their weekends in Cornwall are lamenting the decline of the fishing industry, in the pretty villages they’ve all bought holiday homes in.
But now, thanks to advances in large hutch technology, they can maintain a permanent link to the past. A few simple Cornish are being kept as pets, in spare rooms or out the back by the bins.
“They’re easy to look after, they just need some old nets to play with”, said Cornish owner Cordelia Fotheringham. “You chuck them the occasional pastie and spray them with a brine mist. Before you know it, they’re shantying away.”
The floor around the cage is littered with crusts. “They don’t eat that bit, I don’t know why”, said Fotheringham. “Mine keeps shrieking ‘the tin! the tin!’ when I poke one back in. But it didn’t come in a tin: we don’t promote convenience food.”
The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.
Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:
“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading
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