After years giving interviews, being on television and releasing press releases to respond to every news story ever written about them, Generic Celebrity has taken the bold decision to ‘put the record straight’ in a new book, just before Christmas.
“My reputation in the press is well known” Generic Celebrity told us. “I have often been accused of spending money, having sex, and occasionally being in a bad mood. Now it’s time I stuck up for myself and put my side of the story across, just before Christmas.
“Sure I could use my public profile to do it in interviews and through the press for free, but I think it will be far more dignified if I do it in a £14.99 book just in time for people spending money on frivilous shit, just before Christmas”.
There was a shock winner at the Evening Harold Online Literary Awards last night, with the main prize, online writer of the year, going to the relatively unknown local girl Melanie Delaney, 19, for her autobiographical writings on Facebook.
With her friends being kept informed of everything from the idiots on the bus on her way to work, to her decision to use a break in ‘X-Factor’ to ‘pop to the loo’ resulting in her weeing in record time, the judges agreed that no other online writer produced such a detailed account of anything else throughout the year.
“Not only did she give us an insight into how she was feeling with just a single emoticon, she also added mystery and intrigue with updates such as ‘not again’, ‘arse’ and ‘*sigh’”, one of the judging panel explained.
Queuing for Dummies (by Doctor Evans)
The latest attempt by GPs to avoid doing any work is causing massive delays at local libraries.
With the A&E department at Dunstable hospital already full to capacity, local quack Dr Evans is urging would-be patients to ‘read a book’, instead of bothering a proper health professional.
“It’s not my fault people get ill outside office hours”, suggested Evans. “It would help me enormously if they would only get sick between 10.30am and 3.30 pm, or before 1pm on a Wednesday.
“But while I sympathise with those who say I spend all my time on the golf course, they might first consider ‘would I be better off in the library?'”
Thanks to a new national initiative, Doctor Evans can now prescribe people ‘self-help’ books which are available from all good librarians. “For a simple £7.85 prescription, they can pick up something I heartily recommend”, said Evans. “Preferably something quite long, that will take ages to finish.”