Tag Archives: Bear Grylls

Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival

“Not how I remember the wheat fields”

As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.

“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”

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Fury as tame Bear killed for entertainment

Bear Grylled

Grylls demonstrates his new bouquet garni rucksack.

TV adventurer and annoying twat Bear Grylls was at the centre of an animal cruelty row last night as it emerged he was specially shipped to an island to be slaughtered by contestants on his show for “entertainment”.

Viewers were distressed by the scene in which the sleeping Bear was captured and killed on camera.

Animal rights campaigners claim the Bear was not afraid of people, and would not have run away when threatened.
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Bear Grylls survives family picnic without sticking a hose up his bottom

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Bear Grylls, shortly after ‘freshening up’.

The family of Bear Grylls was celebrating yesterday, after the star managed to survive for over 8 hours without sticking a hose up his bottom.

Despite being outside for the best part of a day, the adventurer survived a picnic, a game of French Cricket and a close call with a wasp, without once resorting to his trusty anal pipe.

“I’m so proud of him”, said wife Ocelot Grylls. “We had a lovely time in the Cotswolds and we all ate well, without the normal strong feelings of revulsion and shame.”
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