Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?
The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.
Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.
“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”
“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”
Hello, how can I snuffle snuffle snuffle snuffle?
Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.
Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.
“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”
The former boss of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers has been arrested by police in connection with a ‘drug supply investigation’.
Despite being questioned by police, his lawyers have said they are pretty confident no charges will be brought against their client as generally ‘bankers don’t go to prison’.
“People say bankers learnt nothing after the global financial crash,” a member of his legal team said. “But they did actually learn one very important lesson. Bankers don’t go to jail, especially the incompetent ones.