Category Archives: Chilcot Report

May ‘within her rights to do a poo on Corbyn’s head’

“This long”

Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.

“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading

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Chilcot release: Blair and friends gather at country house to find out whodunnit

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Sir John Chilcot: don’t argue with us, it bloody is.

Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.

After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading

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Chilcot report leaked: Blair to be exonerated and given a pony

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Happy happy joy joy

The Chilcot Report has been leaked ahead of its publication on Wednesday and contains devastating news for anyone incapable of thinking ‘Tony Blair’ without adding ‘should be in the dock at the Hague’.

The little friend of all the world especially dictators and Bono has been fully exonerated over the UK’s involvement in the Iraq War with Sir John Chilcot concluding that Blair has never even heard of the country or of weapons of mass destruction and that Alastair Campbell never existed in the first place. The report ends with a fulsome apology to the former PM and the recommendation that he be given a lovely pony and a hug. Continue reading

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Chilcot report due on 6th July: Blair’s death to be announced on the 5th

Tony-Blair-2009-by-John-Swannell

“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks” – Arthur Miller

Avaricious shadow demon in an ex-Prime Minister costume, Tony Blair, is confidently expected to be found dead in some woods near one of his many homes on 5th July now that the Chilcot Report is being published on the 6th.

Blair, aka The Man Who Warred Too Much, will for the first time in a long time do the decent thing rather than attend a trial for war crimes at the Hague provisionally booked in for the 7th. Continue reading

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