Anal terrorism is the worst, Fox News
An American “terrorism expert” on the right-wing Fox News channel has declared that the leafy Sussex town of East Grinstead is “a totally Scientologist” city “where non-Scientologists just simply don’t go”.
Steve Emerson made the claim, which may come as a surprise to the thousands of non-Scientologist residents of West Sussex’s fourteenth-largest town, during a television discussion about no-go zones in Europe where Scientologists are apparently in complete control.
“In Britain, it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual towns like East Grinstead that are totally Scientologist, where John Travolta and Tom Cruise stalk the streets, beating up anyone who doesn’t look like them, dress like them or make increasingly desperate comeback movies,” he said. Continue reading
Morrissey sneaking to the shops to buy bacon
Controversial pop icon and vegetarian activist Morrissey admits he likes bacon, and says he not only has regular fry-ups for breakfast but also the occasional bacon buttie for lunch.
Morrissey made the startling admission backstage after his recent sell-out (in the number of seats sold sense) concert at O2 Arena.
“People are always asking vegetarians how we can live without bacon, well the truth is we can’t” confessed Morrissey. “It’s so f**king tasty. If Johnny Marr was made entirely of bacon, I’d never have left the Smiths.”
Could Harold finally be on the map?
The Squirrel Lickers Arms won the Dunstable and Surrounds “Best Pub” award for the 33rd year in a row though once again rival publicans claim that the vote was rigged, an accusation strenuously denied by the Squirrel Lickers “publican for life” Eddie.
Eddie, who long ago dropped his last name for tax purposes, says he won the award fair and square and his rivals had a bad case of “sour grapes”, which was literally correct as the wine supplies of the competing Felching and Dunstable public houses were mysteriously contaminated.
“I swear on Robert Mugabe’s grave that I didn’t fix the vote” an uncharacteristically emotional Eddie told the Evening Harold. “That the Squirrel Lickers got 120% of the vote speaks for itself – we mean that much to the people of Harold.”
The inaugural Gordon Ramsay International Tourette’s Convention in Harold came to a premature end when the lunch descended into chaos after an outbreak of pleasantries.
Convention organiser Mike Hunt said it was bl**dy disappointing that convention delegates would behave like f**king 40 year olds. “You’d think in this f**king day and age that people could resolve their f**king differences without resorting to polite language and pleasantries.”
The trouble started after Gordon Ramsay hosted a lively pre-lunch panel debate over whether “feck” was a swear word. “Things were going perfectly f**king vitriolicly” cursed Mr Hunt. “There were the usual ripostes – one side said ‘of course feck is a fecking swear work’ while the other side replied ‘no it is f**king not’.”
Where are all the canapes?
After listening to grass-roots Tory concerns about the Marriage Equality Bill, Prime Minister David Cameron says he has reconsidered his views, and as a compromise he will ban marriages between swivel-eyed loons while allowing same-sex couples to marry.
“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”
“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”