Author Archives: WineMonkey

Couple arrested for ‘disappointing public sex act’


Not even slightly convincing.

A visitor to Harold who was thought to be performing a sex act on her boyfriend when she was in fact just waking him up, has been arrested for leading the village on.

Lou-Anne Buck told PC Flegg “the rules in Harold are bizarre”,
after being detained next to the village bandstand with her boyfriend Barry Marston in her grasp.

Music fans, including children, gathered to watch as the pair appeared to get it on. Witness Kevin Smith was so aroused that he even filmed the couple on his mobile phone.
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Filed under Around Harold

Fury as tame Bear killed for entertainment

Bear Grylled

Grylls demonstrates his new bouquet garni rucksack.

TV adventurer and annoying twat Bear Grylls was at the centre of an animal cruelty row last night as it emerged he was specially shipped to an island to be slaughtered by contestants on his show for “entertainment”.

Viewers were distressed by the scene in which the sleeping Bear was captured and killed on camera.

Animal rights campaigners claim the Bear was not afraid of people, and would not have run away when threatened.
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Filed under Entertainment

Pensioners warned of cold calling con-artists with Westminster accents


“I would happily have you boiled down and sold for glue.”

Local police have warned against scam artists using condescending accents after receiving a spate of complaints.

“There have been several cases of plausible individuals door-stepping pensioners in the area”, said PC Flegg. “They appear uninvited, sometimes following an unsolicited brochure, email or telephone call.”

“Having made contact, they then apply pressure to take up an offer, saying it’s only available for a short period of time. They’re clever and convincing, but the old adage applies: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
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Filed under Election 2015