Daily Mail Editor sectioned after Government loses EU vote

Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days

The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.

“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for public schools to be banned, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.

“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services. Which was ironic as we’d just finished making up an exposé all about social workers being Marxists.”

It took several hours for the emergency team to talk down Dacre from a window ledge. “We usually get that part done in twenty minutes” said team leader Mohammed Hafiz “but once we learned who it was out there we spent three hours deciding which, if any of us, was willing to do it. In the end, we played scissors, paper, stone, with the loser being promised anonymity and an extra week’s holiday.”

“We found a long stick the Mail uses to poke blind benefit claimants with, then taped onto one end a picture of a refugee child trying not to drown. That’s like catnip to a Daily Mail journalist and as the stick was withdrawn he was gradually coaxed back inside. He kept shouting ‘I want fourteen pages on this!’ until the sedative kicked in.”

“Of course, it would have been much more dangerous if he hadn’t been on the ground floor.”

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