Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.
Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.
“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
Dressed in his trademark clothes and holding a manifesto of pork-based snacks, Martin didn’t fall over anything or mention Scotland for nearly 20 minutes.
“‘Ey, this is mad, this is. Can I say I don’t want to do it? I like going down hill fast, but I’m not jumping off a cliff.”
Martin didn’t commit to any policies and looked confused when asked where he stood on Devo Max.
“Ooh, a full-on Devo? Nice, I think I rode one of them once in a room full of wasps. I didn’t stand though, at least not until one of the sods stung me on the arse.”
Martin insisted that he didn’t want to do the job if it compromised his second career as a lorry mechanic. There’s one here that’s making a rumbling noise, I reckon the wheels have come off. Alright Ed Balls, mate? I think your clutch has gone.”