The police have launched an investigation following accusations that Ed Miliband was stabbing the British people in the back with the Trident replacement.
In a statement a spokesperson for Westminster police confirmed the Labour leader was to be questioned later today.
“At this stage we’re not sure how anyone could be stabbed with a nuclear missile, but whenever we receive allegations of wrongdoing, even from the Daily Mail, we are duty bound to investigate to ensure a criminal offence has not been committed.”
In what is believed to be a reference to Mr Miliband’s 2010 caution following the stabbing of his brother David, the statement continued “We can confirm that the individual’s previous record will not be taken into account.”
Although general election campaigns are always tetchy, the number of recent violent incidents can be counted on a single Prescott fist, so the news that Miliband is to be probed is certain to spark a debate on law and order.
It is expected that the Tories will accuse their opponents of being happy to stab everyone except Nicola Sturgeon in a ruthless effort to gain power, whilst Miliband’s team will guarantee that stabbing victims will receive better treatment under a Labour managed NHS.