Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.
‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.
“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”
Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.
“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
Minor royals have often struggled to find a role that justifies their existence, without it going off in their face.
Starting with a man called Tom in Kings Cross, Harry will pound his way across the UK, and hopes to raise their shtick as he goes.
“A lot of people say the royal family is ‘out of touch’, but I’m here to prove them wrong”, beamed Harry.
“As I said when I joined the armed forces, I won’t shirk from meeting a sticky end.”