Police have uncovered the bodies of ‘more than 50’ ungrateful gameshow contestants in the grounds of a castle belonging to Noel Edmonds.
Following a tip-off, officers began digging in the 120 hectare ‘garden of dreams’, and rapidly unearthed a number of makeshift coffins.
Daubed in red paint, their lids scratched with crude numbers, one theory is that the occupants shared a mutual lack of gratitude towards their one-time host.
“Officers are piecing the evidence together, but this is one of the worst game-show related massacres I’ve attended in nearly 3 months”, declared PC Flegg. “Who knows who we’ll find next? Let’s open that one…wait, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve got a good feeling about number 14.”
“At this stage, all we can say is that none of the victims walked away with more than £5, and video evidence from Dave shows they weren’t happy about it.”
It’s an open secret in TV-land that Edmonds often leaves the studio dragging a body bag, but if challenged insists he’s not Noel but ‘the banker’.
While we were reporting, constables struggling to deal or not deal with the situation were disturbed by a small figure in a neat beard, chuckling irritatingly from the battlements.
“Everyone loves me! I wouldn’t harm the lovely contestants!”, he squealed, before holding his hand to his ear and mumbling conspiratorially to himself.
“The banker says he’ll give you 800 quid to leave now. It’s a good offer, I’d take it, while you still can.”