Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.
“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”
“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”
Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
“They’re just people like you or I, at least for the moment”, said the president. “So show your patriotism by calling round and giving them a supportive lick.”
“Americans don’t run scared in the face of overwhelming scientific facts.”
To show his confidence in tackling the problem, Obama persuaded Joe Biden to hug several recently returned health workers. Directing him through an earpiece, he urged the vice-president to nuzzle a particularly sweaty one in the neck.
“See? He’s fine”, said Obama. “And now I’m sending him to Congress. I’m confident his presence there will quickly silence any doubts about Obamacare.”