A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey.
“This may seem harsh at first glance, especially to donkeys,” Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said at the policy’s launch. “However research has shown that the only relationship the British population has that’s weirder than their one with food is their one with animals. We’re a race that happily walks past people sleeping in the streets then empties its wallets for a hedgehog hospital.”
“All we as a government have done is combine in a fresh imaginative way the impulse to eat absolutely everything and move absolutely never with the desire to ensure that animals live long healthy lives.” he said. “This is the best combination since Bowie and Crosby’s duet.”
Protesters concerned about the donkeys are already gathering outside Parliament. Mr Hunt has said that as long as the protest takes the form of a nice brisk march for at least thirty minutes then all will be well.