Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.
Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”
“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?”
The news of Guest’s resignation has come at a difficult time for the group, coming only a week after the committee voted to leave their regular meeting place, the Squirrel Licker’s Arms. According to sources close to the activists, this was partly because the pub name was discriminatory against non-squirrels, but mostly due to landlord Eddie’s continual refusal to stock vegetarian pork scratchings.
Police Officer Anita Flegg has been informed and is preparing a file for the Crown Prosecution Service. Late last night she spoke to waiting journalists: “This innocent ant’s death is bound to have had a devastating effect on the relatives of the deceased who lived in a close knit community. The death of all citizens, however small, has to be investigated,” adding with a shudder, “except for spiders which are sinister creepy bastards.”