People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
“Sometimes these things can be character-building. Or lead to septicemia. And such a development would make you just one ailment away from getting a ticket to wait for an appointment.”
Evans revealed that if someone was suffering from a serious injury and didn’t want to wait, they could always go privately.
“Yes, a ticket to Dignitas is certainly one option”, she beamed. “But if you can’t afford it, don’t beat yourself up.”
“That would be cheating: our cost assessors will spot that. What do you think we are? A publicly funded national asset?”