Facial hair could soon become compulsory, after Brussels tested a range of beards for energy efficiency.
Experts measured thermal insulation, wet performance and harmful emissions from a selection of chin enhancements, using a delapidated woman as a control.
“That was due to a translation error, but we stand by our results”, said depilatory scientist André Rhesus. “Even a frigid climate sceptic would recognise I’m much hotter with this stubble.”
While a Fu Manchu and a lip-clump only managed a ‘B’ rating, double-A was achieved by a full-on Brian Blessed.
“Emissions were a little lower, except if you agitate it”, admitted Rhesus. “That caused a cloud of chindruff and a fine dust of dried-on soup.”
Angela Merkel welcomed the report and promised to do her best to improve her own facial efficiency. “I have asked Germany’s engineers to come up with a solution, they’re doing some fine work with renewables. So I may soon become ‘chin-solar’ Merkel”, she quipped.
Bald men in particular will be encouraged to let their faces lie fallow. Rhesus used a diagram to show how a free-range Shenandoah can carbon-offset even the most barren pate, or two thin patches and a medium hairless child.
The report will come as a blow to Europe’s grooming industry, but a spokesman from Philishave remained upbeat.
“While chins are experiencing growth that conversely means we aren’t, we’re hoping to move more ‘down-market’. Our latest EC-approved 4-watt razor can shave a leg in under three and a half hours. These things tend to go round on cycles.”