A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.
Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.
“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
Evans was looked at with a mixture of sadness and disappointed by both Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. Her tears were welcomed by the camera, but didn’t make up for her sponge being ‘a little too dark’. Sue Perkins is thought to have kicked her under the table.
Making slightly overly complex cakes has long been an essential part of English life, some claim they are the perfect juxtaposition of proud past Empires and the shame of middle-aged obesity. But while Evans’ substandard muffins might have been accepted impassively by the homeless in Dunstable, trying to pass them off on the telly has been seen as ‘giving two fingers’ to the Harold WI.
“Cooking isn’t ‘a bit of fun’, you shouldn’t find it therapeutic”, said Pippa Delaney, Harold’s leading passive-aggressive chef. “It’s a smug battle of skills, a chance to sneer at your inferiors.”
Delaney led the mob that turned away Evans’ returning taxi. Delaney revealed that she’d practiced the protest at home dozens of times, to make sure it didn’t turn out flat. “We had all the ingredients in place and I’m pleased with our consistency”, she said. “Picking fights with people that try but fail is the perfect comfort feud.”