In a new regular column, Pippa Middleton passes on invaluable etiquette tips dealing with your day-to-day, worthless lives.
“I’m Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton, but it doesn’t do to mention that too often in conversation. It can look like you’re showing off, which of course isn’t acceptable in posh circles. And I should know, because I don’t half move in some!
“Some people I once knew but am now well above socially sometimes ask me ‘how do you do it?’ Well, some are born nearly royal, some achieve near-royalness, and some have near royalness thrust upon them.
“And some are a combination of all three. That’s a pretty special circumstance, and one which puts me in a unique position for sharing tips with you, so you can pretend to be nearly as near-royal as what one is. Today’s advice is about ‘breakfast’. Read on!
“Breakfast in the near-royal household can mean a number of things, but it often refers to a meal served shortly after when one is risen out of bed. Prepared by Chef (that’s French) in a ‘kitchen’ (that isn’t), you may have experienced a hollow sham of my posh ‘breaking of the fast’ – probably in the ‘morning’ which is when you lot go to work or watch Jeremy Kyle.
“I often have ouefs et bacon, or a thing called ‘crisps’ if I’m in a rush. Either way, it’s best to pop them in your mouth.
“If you have a jaw like what one has, chewing is the next step. I like to think of England while I do this.
“Then it’s just a question of swallowing, and repeating these steps until it’s all gone. If you’re still hungry after that, then your breakfast was too small. Why not try again tomorrow with a bigger one?
“And that’s how to eat breakfast like a future near-queen of England! You’re welcome!”