Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.
Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.
Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
“We’ve tries a Stinger to burst her tyres but that didn’t work. She just tore about on the rims, showering terrified shoppers with sparks as she cornered the wheat intolerance section”, said Watts. “I’ve also tried a safety camera but the images are all blurred. It’s not surprising: anyone would be nervous trying to focus while that thing bears down on you.”
While people who like their shin bones have welcomed the new uneven floors, others are finding any excuse to have a moan about them.
“I bought some Tesco Value choc-ices, and when I got home I found that all the chocolate-flavoured covering had come off the ice-cream-looking insides”, complained Bob Crossley. “That’s from vibrations that is, from where Doris keeps crashing over the big hump near the freezers.”
Others worry that the speed cushions could restrict access in an emergency. Store security guard William McKean thinks they could hinder his fight against crime.
“That’s a nonsense”, said the store manager. “Bill’s morbid obesity might mean he needs his chair, but the speed bumps aren’t going to slow him down. There’s not a hump been invented that can work as effectively as 23 stone of man flab.”