A local scientist has been hailed as a genius, after successfully paralysing a monkey under laboratory conditions.
Using just a computer, some needles and a powerful hammer, Dr Kyle Hostage was able to extract the ability to move from a series of primates.
“Ever since we discovered how closely related we are to these creatures, man has dreamed of being able to disable them”, said Dr Hostage.
Dr Hostage had experimented with a range of techniques, including daytime television, crisps and quite heavy hats. “But still I was unable to rob them of movement”, he admitted.
It was months before the life scientist made his breakthrough. “I was up late in my lab one night, drinking ethanol and thinking about how best to punch rabbits. That’s when it came to me! I took off my shoe and set about some marmosets. They were completely stunned, not so much as a twitch.”
Dr Hostage hopes to carry out further research in this area, and is already working on ways to bring down a gorilla. “We have to take it a step at a time, develop the right tools for the job. Look! This mallet has a knuckle duster attachment.”
The laboratory admits it’s too early to guarantee that the technique will be safe on humans, but they are hopeful that cheap paralysis will one day be available on prescription.
“We could work on a way of restoring movement, but it’s not really cost-effective”, admitted Hostage. “We’ve literally got barrel-loads of monkeys.”