Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.
With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.
But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.
“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
Evans had cut down his smoking, started jogging and eating the odd vegetable, once paramedics had restarted his heart. But with statins once again back on the menu, he’s put his trainers on ebay, grabbed a family sack of crisps and retired to the couch, to ‘take the weight off’.
Doctors are now calling for statins to be prescribed to a much larger group of people, in both senses of that phrase. The call has been welcomed by shareholders of both Pfizer and Astra Zeneca, as well as representatives of the butter and elastic waistband industries.