Nigel Garage, the formerly French-sounding leader of UKIP, has been explaining to the press why he changed his name by deed poll.
Waving a little Union Flag and talking in cockney, Garage (now pronounced ‘garridge’) claimed that he was broadening his appeal to the sort of low-thinking, closet racist who won’t eat lasagne because it ‘sounds too foreign’.
“It always infuriated me that people in UK call centres had to ask me how I spelled my name”, said Garage. “But so far, they’ve had no problem with the new one. And I have to say, it does seem to be a rather apt choice. The last chap I spoke to said he ‘could just imagine driving his car into me’.”
Garage chose the new name because it represents a low-rent fabrication, into which you can stuff all sorts of rubbish.
Being mistaken for a Frenchman was a constant source of shame to Garage, especially as it happened on an almost daily basis. “Let’s be honest, the other Euro MPs were only doing it to annoy me”, said Garage. “Except the French one. He used to pretend I was Belgian.”
Not everyone likes the new name, in particular Nigel’s wife, Kirsten Mehr. “Fortunately ‘Garage’ translates as ‘Garage’ in German also, so it’s not as confusing as it could be”, she admitted. “But if I find out he’s doing this just so he can service his former mistress, he’ll very quickly find he’s a single Garage.”
“Perhaps it is a good move for Nigel, it does suit his character: oily, detached and safer without power.”