The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him.
“My actions were in no way harmful or a punishment,” said Floaty Steve who has lived in the water off the beach for the last two years. “David Cameron wasn’t swimming he was just wobbling about. He was, to be precise, shirking. So I gave him a sting to enable him to work harder and really tear through the water before he ran up the beach wailing that his arm was all owie and crying for his nanny.”
“Some may criticise my actions on the grounds that I live in the sea and have every advantage when it comes to swimming and that, in a sense, I was just picking on someone weaker than myself but to those critics I say: yes, it hurt, yes, it worked.”
Floaty Steve said that in these difficult times sacrifices have to be made just not by him or any of his chums.
“We’re all in this together,” he said. “Except I’m basking in a lovely warm sea and you’re not. And that’s what’s best for the beach as a whole right now. We need to crack down on fat posh blokes in stupid trunks bobbing around in the shallows and ensure a fairer deal for everyone who looks like a jellyfish, talks like a jellyfish and is in fact a jellyfish.”
“Today, I used my tentacles to give David Cameron the dignity of work. He’ll thank me for it later.”