Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Michael Gove.
Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.
“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.”
Other villagers shared his relief. Local schoolteacher Mary Brown was visibly emotional, choking back tears of happiness as she spoke to journalists. “To think, five minutes earlier and he might not have been there,” she sobbed. “It makes me shiver to think of the damage that could have been done if we hadn’t been so fortunate.”
Paul Beetham, a lecturer in civil engineering at Dunstable University, explained that these massive depressions can form very quickly, and the Conservative Party is actually full of them. “Old policies which should have been abandoned long ago are sometimes sitting there just under the surface of current debate, with only the flimsiest layer of logic or reason between them and total collapse. A few sharp questions and the whole thing collapses.”
After consultation with local authorities, teaching unions and Ofsted, it was decided to fill in and cover the hole as quickly as possible to prevent further damage, given that it was not impossible that Mr Gove could eventually climb out. Luckily there remains a large supply of King James bibles personally inscribed by the man himself last year which no-one knew what to do with, and enthusiastic volunteers are already turning up with wheelbarrows.