The country is officially at panic stations this morning ever since a BBC weather presenter told viewers of Breakfast that the approaching storm won’t be serious.
“It was terrifying,” said Sally Kettle who was watching in her kitchen in Harold. “She was all calm and said ‘Earlier on today apparently a woman left a post on our message board and said she’d heard that there is a hurricane on the way. Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t...’ then she looked right into the camera and gave a reassuring little smile. You know what that means, don’t you? We’re doomed!”
As people worry very much about their trees, wish they’d sorted out that dodgy roof tile ages ago like they promised and secretly hope that their workplaces get blown all the way to Le Havre, one or two others are viewing the approaching sky aggression with more commercial than panicked eyes.
Several Haroldites have been spotted placing household goods on their lawns in the hope that in the confusion of Rainageddon they’ll be able to put in an insurance claim and get nicer stuff.
And so far at PC Flegg’s insistence no less than three elderly members of the community have been ushered back into houses having been shoved outside by desperate families hoping that ‘nature would take its course’ and they’d save a fortune on care home fees.
‘My biggest fear about the unbelievable scary storm that’s so obviously coming now the BBC says it not is what’ll happen to the stock market,’ said a worried Adam Cassidy. ‘First thing that happened after the big storm in ’87 was Black Monday and global financial meltdown then a Tory government sociopathically hounding the poor.’
He then calmed himself.
“It’s all right,” he told us. “I’ve just realised that that can’t happen again. This time it’ll be a Tory/Liberal coalition government treating everyone like crap. That’s much better.”