NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden has revealed that his temporary asylum in Russia was only granted after he passed a test proving his heterosexuality beyond all reasonable doubt which was personally administered by Vladimir Putin.
“While I was stuck in Sheremetyevo airport I was informed by officials that I had passed level one simply by having a super-hot girlfriend but then I was taken into a darkened sound-proofed room and told that I had to pass level two,” Snowden recalled from an undisclosed location in central Moscow. “I was told to strip, put on a pair of very small trunks and wait. I thought I was alone but once I was stood there shivering a man stepped out from the shadows. I couldn’t believe it, it was Vladimir Putin and he had a strange, almost hungry look in his eyes.”
“This is perfectly normal,” said a spokesperson for Putin. “The President takes the threat of gay people being in Russia extremely seriously and so is very hands on when it comes to finding and eradicating them.”
Snowden was subjected to over three hours of testing with Putin including being forced to take him on in a sweaty and prolonged bout of Greco-Roman wrestling, having to remove his glasses so that Putin could sit very close and gaze soulfully into Snowden’s unshielded eyes, and exposing his penis in order for Putin to study it intensely for signs of gayness.
“The President really enjoyed his time spent with Edward Snowden,” said the spokesperson. “And was pleased to grant temporary asylum to such a fine upstanding young man who is as firm as he is fair. Okay so he did leak a bit but that’s only to be expected.”
“Looking it back it was pretty weird,” said Snowden. “At least all Putin did to my balls was cup them tenderly in his hand. Obama wants to stand there and watch while he orders someone to rip them off.”