Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.
“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”
“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.”
“I don’t know why it’s suddenly vital that a five year old can do fractions,” said villager Tom Stalling. “My grandson’s five and he likes singing, running about outside shouting his bloody head off and playing at being Batman. He’s a lovely, funny little chap and I don’t want him to be made stressed and unhappy. Archie wants to be a lion when he grows up that’s a better ambition than that daft Pob-a-like could have for him.”
Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s said, “If this is to make British schools the best in the world then how come it’s not compulsory in all schools? Independent schools can teach what they like and that’s where politicians send their own kids. I suppose it’s easier to act like a demented cross between Mr Gradgrind and Miss Trunchball when it won’t effect anyone you care about.”
Harold’s MP, Spencer Chadwick, had nothing but praise for his Tory colleague’s new curriculum. “It’s wonderful. With all the kids trapped at their desks from dawn to dusk they won’t need those playgrounds and playing fields any more. Let’s get them sold off so my friends and I can make a killing on property deals. PFI? Pretty fabulous income more like.”
Rumours that Chadwick has cloven hooves, horns and a forked tail remain persistent but unconfirmed.