Radical blacksmith and part-time Viking Nigel Thorvald has called for the introduction of ‘Farrier Law’ to Harold, to tackle what he regards as a ‘shocking decline in morals’ and a lurch away from ‘Justice by Warm Ironmongery’.
Harold’s viking community keeps itself largely to itself, apart from on official pillage days, or during the annual dragon boat race.
But with a growing lack of respect for elders and rising teen pregnancy rates amongst his daughters Oslo, Freyja and Maureen, Thorvald believes that the wider society needs a ‘more medieval’ approach to law enforcement.
With massive hammers at his disposal and an affinity with searing hot brands, the village smithy thinks he’s just the man for the job.
“You didn’t hear of our viking ancestors misbehaving”, said Thorvald, “they had respect for their pagan Gods. Respect, and a terrible, crippling fear.”
Thorvald believes that Farrier Law would have prevented his offspring regularly answering him back, or indulging in sex before marriage with Brian Evans.
“Not that I want any of them to marry Evans, that boy’s a feckless moron”, he conceded. “But Farrier Law would put the blame more squarely on the women.”
Thorvald wants the people of Harold to answer to traditional Farrier values, and has drawn up a list of ‘crimes’ that are punishable by war axe or red-hot poker.
“Thou Shalt Forget This Nonsense About Equal Rights, Thou Shalt Not Not Have a Beard, Thou Shalt Show More Respect to People if They Have a Willy”, dictated Thorvald.
“My father Nørbert drummed these values into me, but somehow they’ve been forgotten”, sighed the Norse hardliner.
“By Odin they’ll hear about them shortly, if my wife lets me back in the house.”