Category Archives: Around Harold

by | March 29, 2013 · 3:58 pm

Animal rights campaigners call for ban on Easter egg hunt

The egg is going to get it

The egg is going to get it

The annual Harold Easter egg hunt is under threat today after an animal rights group claimed that the practice of hunting eggs with dogs is cruel, and threatened to sabotage the event.

A proud tradition believed to date back as far as 300BC, many locals look forward to the thrill of hunting with hounds each Easter Sunday, chasing chocolate eggs through the woodland South of the town. But if the campaigners have their way that could all be set to change.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Vicars

by | · 11:01 am

Hundreds accidently audition for X-Factor: none eligible or interested

xfactor2

Bollocks more like

While poorly attended in other parts of the country, in Harold the line outside the village hall for the X-Factor auditions stretched almost to The Squirrel Lickers Arms! Sadly for Simon Cowell, on closer examination hardly anyone was there in the hope of impressing the man who has done for music what Kevin Spacey’s character in Se7en did for Milton.

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by | March 28, 2013 · 5:13 am

Joy as children freed from internet ‘forward’ sweatshop

girl looking at computer monitor

Forward this to beat piles!

A quiet backstreet in Harold today echoed to the sound of tears of joy when seven children were freed from an internet ‘forward’ sweatshop. Inside rescuers found banks of computers that the children had been forced to sit in front of for up to eighteen hours a day creating disease-based posts for people to endlessly forward to each other on Facebook.

This the latest of a series of raids that have taken place at addresses all over Harold and surrounding areas in recent weeks as part of Operation No Twee a massive police operation that has so far seen ten arrested and over twenty children rescued.

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by | March 26, 2013 · 9:31 pm

Fake ATM dispensed thousands of pounds in bungled scam

atm

Death to false metal!

A local criminal gang was left red-faced yesterday after police seized a fake ATM which had already paid out thousands of pounds to unwitting customers.

So sophisticated was the bogus cash machine that high street shoppers were completely unaware that the bank notes they received were not coming from their accounts, but actually from a dummy vault subtly concealed in two feet of reinforced concrete behind the machine.

“You’d never know it was anything other than genuine,” explained PC Flegg. “If we hadn’t swooped so swiftly, I dread to think how much cash could have been given out.”

Caramba!

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Golden Showers

by | · 9:13 pm

Council calls for curb on unlicenced Viking funerals

kal_bkp_bk20121627_5

It’s what he would have wanted

The council of Harold has reacted angrily to a wave of unofficial Viking funerals, describing them as ‘a health and safety nightmare’.

With some local families tracing their ancestral tree back to more pillage-friendly times, a proper warrior’s send-off has become fashionable in some of the less desirable postcodes.

But with Harold being over 2 hours’ drive to the coast, the traditional ceremony has been updated to take into account the local geography.
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Filed under Around Harold, News

by | · 6:57 am

Paris Hilton almost sighted in Harold Town Centre

imageCelebrity fever hit Harold yesterday as it emerged that Paris Hilton was almost sighted emerging from Harold shop Cuts Both Ways. News of the near miss spread quickly, and the excited crowd would have brought travel to a standstill if there had been any.

Melanie Delaney, 19, was thrilled to be mistaken for Paris Hilton. “It was a stroke of luck that my persistent body image problem and desire to self-harm meant I was out shopping for scissors in the first place. And that people thought I was Paris, even if only for a moment, shows that the bulimia is really paying off.”
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Filed under Around Harold, International News, News

by | March 25, 2013 · 2:26 pm

Row over llama rumpus continues

Llama_lying_down

They can hold their breath underwater for up to two hours. 

The village-wide row over whose animals are doing to the recreation ground what George Osborne did to the economy has taken a new turn with ex-Bond girl and animal sanctuary owner, Emilie Bourdain, launching a passionate defence of her llamas.

“My llamas are kept in a secure environment and have not and would not escape. They’re well-behaved creatures which is more than I can say for those I have seen on the rec and their dogs.”

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by | March 24, 2013 · 10:18 am

High Street Telephone Box to be Reopened by Evening Harold columnist

Phone BoxAlmost six months to the day since the stomach-churning events of ‘29/9’, a grand ribbon-cutting ceremony will be held on Saturday to re-open the telephone box that stands outside the Tesco Extra on the High Street.

Businesswoman and Evening Harold agony aunt, Brenda Ferguson will perform the duties of ribbon-cutting with scissors kindly donated by Cuts Both Ways scissor shop, and will also stick her ceremonial business card advertising her services to the inside wall.

Opposition from residents that the new phone box will attract goths has been outweighed by traders who say that the phone box will bring a welcome boost to the local economy and be another step towards normality for the High Street after the horrors of last September.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Lifestyle, News

Aside

Announcement: Annual hill slide CANCELLED due to snow

Snow covering the Queen's Mound
Following the recent bad weather, namely six inches of snow, the annual hill sliding competition has been postponed.

The event that traditionally takes place on the Queen’s Mound, to the west of the Harold, sees some of the bravest villagers compete to get down the hill in the quickest possible time on plastic trays.

However the sheer amount of snow has seen organisers decide there was too much on the hill preventing the sleigh-type vehicles from sliding to the finish.

The event will be rescheduled for August when the Queen’s Mound should be completely dry with a slightly cracked surface.

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by | March 23, 2013 · 4:30 pm
by | March 23, 2013 · 3:52 am

Duchess of Cambridge vows ‘never to return’ to village after receiving an unexpected gift

carefulharold

The Duchess of Cambridge has vowed ‘never to return to Harold’ after her visit to re-open the old people’s home on Wednesday.

Her remarks follow an embarrassing incident which saw a resident follow the new tradition of showering the pregnant princess with gifts, giving her flowers, a teddy bear and a ‘do it yourself DNA test’ Continue reading →

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