Author Archives: dvo

No children involved in church sex scandal: Bishop is “shocked to the core”

St Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you

St. Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee; potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you

The Roman Catholic Bishop of Dunstable has issued ‘a sincere apology’ after recent reports of priestly sexual rummaging. “We have to put our hands up over this truly awful behaviour,” said Bishop Stanislaus McNamee, admitting the church is still struggling to come to terms with news that a local priest has been in a consensual, heterosexual relationship with an unmarried woman from another parish.

The woman has made no complaint and the matter only came to light after the couple were seen spending time together on various activities, including charity work, bird-watching and having a pint of ale at the Squirrel Lickers Arms. McNamee is particularly upset that couple have broken no criminal statute.

“That can’t be right, can it? Why isn’t there a law about this? Clearly we’ll have to have a full enquiry, leaving no stone unturned. However, as things stand – and I know this will be shocking to many in church leadership – it seems their sexual congress routinely involved the use of a penis, a vagina and a condom.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion, Uncategorized

Harold leads on Archbishop’s Credit Union push

lunchy

No such thing as a non-deductable lunch

Villagers are celebrating the first green shoots of a local economic recovery, with Harold’s Save & Prosper (HS&P) being discharged from ‘financial convalescence’ on 1st August, well ahead of poorly managed national money-pits like Lloyds & RBS.

“George Osborne would do well to take a leaf out of Harold’s book”, said Rev Tansy Forster, “we’re even one step ahead of Archbishop Welby on community financing initiatives.”

In line with the Archbishop’s new stance on money lenders suddenly being ‘a good thing’, the Credit Union will make affordable money available to anyone who wants it. “Although in line with a more general church policy, that will exclude women, homosexuals and people who have had credit before”, said Forster.

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Filed under Business, Crime, Economy, Uncategorized

Buy two – get a holy trinity!

 

We searched for images on the theme 'bride at a funeral' and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?

We searched for images on the theme ‘bride at a funeral’ and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?

With the upper echelons of the Church of England still debating the issue of women Bishops, the parish of Harold is already bringing the Church bang up to date.

St Paul’s is to pilot special discounts for 2013/2014. Speaking at the launch, Priest-in charge Rev. Tansy Forster outlined the key details of the scheme. “The headliner is that we’re offering ‘Three for Two’ on weddings, christenings and funerals.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Religion

Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014

polytunnel

Mind the cabbages!

Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.

“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.

“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Travel