Jeremy Hunt “still not dead”

He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge

Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.

“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”

Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; the old one having become rather tarnished.

Hunt will probably appear on your television screen from the Tory conference next month, unless you have a complacency filter fitted. He might pop up earlier though, if he sells off another chunk of the NHS, or manages to offload a lock-up garage full of out of date marmalade