Theresa May launches her new image: “I have a dream today!”

The Prime Minister decides against “blacking up”, until voters get used to her new image

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for rich right wing old people in the history of our nation.

Five score and six days ago, the only voters we now give a rat’s arse about, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, declared that there was no such thing as Europe.

This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of working class people who will now be even easier to manipulate. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their perceived captivity to Brussels and released them to a world where they only have themselves, and certainly not us, to blame.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “I don’t vote, it only encourages them. Ooh, when’s X Factor on?”

I have a dream that one day even in Scotland, a state sweltering with the heat of being far too chippy by half, sweltering with the heat of who the hell do these people think they are, will be transformed into an oasis of oil and exclusive golf courses.

I have a dream that little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their bank accounts.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, Ukip, with its vicious morons, with its leader having his lips dripping with the words of “I’m not racist but” and “Islam’s not a race” — one day will implode and we can have all those voters back where they belong.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that I can accuse Jeremy Corbyn of being xenophobic and call Labour the nasty party and no one will think that I’ve lost my mind.

I have a dream today!

That we can divide this country by race, by income, by background, we can read everyone’s emails and undermine communities that we ourselves have never even seen let alone been part of.

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to Parliament with.
And if the UK is to be a great nation, this must become true.
And so let division ring from the prodigious hilltops of Kensington.
Let division ring from the mighty mountains of Richmond.
Let division ring from the heightening tea shops of Edinburgh Central.
Let division ring from the snow-capped hills of Kingston upon Thames.
Let division ring from the curvaceous slopes of the South Hams.

And when this happens, and when we allow division to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every county and every city, when we stick a price tag on absolutely everything and convince people that that is the only thing that matters, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children will be able to join hands and sing:

“Rich at last! Rich at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are Rich at last!
And screw anyone who isn’t!”