David Sullivan insists JFK would be OK if his motorcade had turned up a few hours before

The late John F Kennedy

After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.

“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Whenever I watch the Zapruder film, I can’t help commenting that if he’d have been on Elm Street in Dallas 4 hours earlier, then JFK would have been alive and well now.”

“Actually, I think if you look closely, there isn’t much damage to his head anyway”.

Mr Sullivan’s comments were condemned by the Manchester United press office, who then struggled to explain that whilst they didn’t want to arrive too early, the United players also couldn’t manage to turn up for the last 15 minutes of the game.

Sullivan later agreed to a lifetime ban from Upton Park for any West Ham fans found guilty.