‘Monster’ sprouts ‘basically small cabbages’

If you chop them finely, they take up less room in the bin.

Suppliers responsible for this year’s ‘monster’ sprouts have denied that they’re actually disappointing little cabbages.

“People buy sprouts out of a sense of nostalgia, or to please the Baby Jesus”, explained Harold’s Phil Evans. “And until now, they’ve been the main reason Bedfordshire exists.”

Despite their wretched taste and ability to put a downer on even a sausage wrapped in bacon, millions of households across Britain did their duty, and bought the spiteful little vegetables every Christmas.

And then they would spend hours peeling away the yellow bits, wondering when to stop, and then boil them, before solemnly scraping them into the bin.

But now with sales dropping off, farmers like Evans need a gimmick. And so this year, the sprouts are roughly cabbaged sized.

“But you don’t have to have them for Christmas dinner”, Evans insisted. “You could have a lovely salad. Look, I’ve got these string bags of tiny lettuces.”