BBC retains rights to pocket billiards

Lineker, wearing his helmet.

In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.

Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.

“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”

Pocket billiards has been criticised for being too self-indulgent, while some parents actively discourage their children from taking it up.

“It has a seedy image, I’ll admit”, said Lineker. “Some of the more notorious players have come to a sticky end. But in truth it’s safe: the link to blindness and hair growth is tenuous at best.”

The BBC will screen the world championships in the Spring, while its team of broadcasters stand around outside the Olympic stadium in Brazil.

“I’m hoping to keep my end up”, said one hopeful. “But I won’t be taking risks. It can be dangerous, but I’d like to reassure viewers that I’m currently wearing my helmet.”