Chernobyl ‘wildlife sanctuary’ revelations rule out nukes for badger cull

The sum of all fears.

The discovery that wildlife is thriving in the Chernobyl exclusion zone has caused a rethink on using Trident against badgers.

Despite badgers being linked to the spread of bovine TB, the sheer number of moths near Reactor 4 caused a brief pause in the launch countdown.

“Our experts had spotted a family of badgers on the Avon border”, revealed DEFRA minister George Eustice. “And at least one of them seemed to have a slight cough.”

“After weighing up the collateral damage on the neighbouring Labour voting constituency of Bristol east, we took the decision to launch two tridents, in case the first one missed.”

However, a report from Chernobyl revealed not only insects were thriving: everything from wild boar to wolves were also in abundance. “Nuking the west country could be counter-productive, who thought a cull could increase numbers?” said Eustice.

“Or give them superpowers. Our snipers just aren’t ready to deal with Iron Badger.”