Essex will use his new-found intelligence to make the world a reemer place.
Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.
The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.
“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”
“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
Essex, who’s personal wealth is thought to be around £86 million, said he was hoping someone would give him an E-grade or better in woodwork, so he can finally build himself a decent tree house.
Chadwick denied that presenting Essex with the award would somehow demean the achievements of real people.
“Expressive Arts was dropped in 2014, and we had a box of them just laying around in the staff room”, he explained. “It was a pointless subject that contributed nothing to society.”
“Now, would anyone like one of these A-levels in Psychology?”
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